Rock hard

As time Goes on and I become older I find that what mattered in life has not only changed, but the world is much smaller than it seems. I'm finding that high school is not so far from the real world and the unfortunate reality of that and realizing how much I hated hi school is quite interesting.

A lot to learn!

So sick

I'm sick of this feeling of being incomplete!

How is it that we allow someone into our life and when they walk out of it they seem to take a part of us with them?

I would just like to say I'm sick of all the people who are sitting there saying to me "only you can change the way you feel". Um no f*** face, pain is pain and you can't just make it go away. Let me break your arm and in a few months once the cast is off and you're trying to rehab your arm tell you "only you can change the way you feel". Guess what mind over matter my ass! Your arm is going to hurt as it relearns how to be used properly.

Guess what that's what the heart and mind go through after a serious relationship is seriously over. You put them in a cast for a little while and then you realize it's time to take the cast off and teach them how to go out and think and love all over again.

And that hurts more than you could ever imagine! There is nothing more difficult than trying to learn to re love. As stupid as it sounds it's the truth. Go out and everything seems fine and then something happens and you want to call that person who was your number one for so long and you can't.

Or you're out having fun and just hanging out and all of sudden someone finds you attractive and your first reaction is to say no, because you're so accustomed to saying no and then you feel like you're saying no because you're thinking of your ex, so you say yes and then you don't know why you said yes because you don't really think you're interested, but you don't know.

Honestly, what is it about break ups that makes moving forward with your life so difficult? It's as if you forget how to be a normal functioning human.

Ahhhhhh! WTF!

Clearly the only thing I can scream, because curse words really have no meaning and give no explanation and since I don't understand what or why I feel the way I do all I can do is cry and scream obscene things from the top of my lungs. Which is causing me to lose my voice and my dog to bark.

I wish on everything I could find a way around this feeling. At the end of the day, it feels so unnecessary and I want nothing more than to rip my own hair out! Let me just run around doing things I'm supposed to do as opposed to things I want to do!

But then again I don't know what I want to do either.

Falling down

The wind is starting to howl and it seems like a whole lot of nothing is happening. But, the world seems to be falling upon itself. As everyone sees the coming of December they also see the coming of the end of the world. There has become a need to know the driving force behind living.

Here's an idea. Let's all stop worrying about what might happen and worry about what we aren't making happen. The world could end right now and I would rather die knowing I have no regrets than to live wondering what I could do and do nothing at all.

ramblings of a moonstruck mind

There is a time for love and a time to let go. The problem arises though when a person isn't ready to let go of love. Seriously, at what point is it okay to scream from the rooftop I'm done and then just go right back to the same old bullshit of everyday life? 

There is a part of me that hopes that the person who this topic is about actually, for once, reads what means something to me. Because I have no balls to tell him to his face how sick of his shit I am. 

Growing up I never thought I would be what I have always considered a sucker! But, after devoting myself to a relationship in which I've dealt with so much bullshit and still allowing him to come back there are only two options for what I am, a sucker and/or desperate. 

I don't know if I'm afraid to love or maybe I'm afraid no one else will ever love me. But, how can I really define the way I'm treated as love? I'm not even grasping the idea of love as this whole til death do us part moment or some fairytale happily ever after, but I can't shake the feeling that I will never be me again if I'm with someone else. 

Is that not the strangest thing ever. I've been me my whole life and all of sudden we break up and now I feel like the person I've been for decades can never exist again. I want to reinvent myself completely! Why do I feel like I shouldn't be me? 

I don't want to watch football or clean, I don't want anything but to cry all the time and hate myself for this relationship not working. I keep telling myself that we won't ever be together, but then I allow you into my home and my bed once again and again and again. What is wrong with me? 

The phone rings and it's your ringtone I jump and run to the phone and for what for someone who wants me to be there at their beck and call, but never does the same for me. You say there was no trust in our relationship,but you were the one who caused there to be no trust. From the beginning you hid me from people in your life. Funny though how until I go and fins someone else and don't say anything to you then you come crawling back and all of a sudden you have trust issues. 

Every part of our relationship was a secret on your part! That's not even an exaggeration!!! Then you have the audacity to move into my home and move out three months later; telling me that you need to work on yourself, but you have hope. 

Your bullshit line of hope is what has had me holding on for no real reason other than you can say to me what you want and have me jump at your commands! I'm sick of your mind games. Guess you wanted to put so much into being with someone who never really cared about you that you forgot to recognize real support,love,motivation, and oh did I mention unconditional love.

Faults

How do you not blame someone?

It may seem strange to say but when a breakup happens it always seems there is someone at fault. The natural feeling is to either hate your ex partner or yourself, but why does it have to be anyone persons fault? Could it be the fault of both? Could it be no ones fault? If it's no ones fault then how did everything come unravelled in the first place and if it's the fault of both then how did it last past a day and  how does one person ruin it so badly that it doesn't fit anymore?

What happens to the puzzle when the piece no longer fits? Is that it, here's a bump in the road time to call it quits keep it moving?

What if you don't want to keep it moving? What if you've tried to keep it moving so many times before and always ended up right back in the relationship, why wouldn't you just let it go?

Letting go is the such a difficult concept! At some point you just have to pretend you don't care and maybe if you're lucky, you'll lie to yourself so much you'll actually start to believe it isn't anyone's fault, you don't care, and you are over it.

Do Something!!!

At some point you have to just learn to let go. I don't mean to just turn the other cheek when someone wrongs you, but to actually let shit go. Relationships that end aren't meant to be picked up at a later date and time, if you aren't willing to work on something in the present then you will never be willing to work on it. The truth is there's a big difference between saying and doing! Saying you want to make a change about yourself and actually working on making that change aren't two parts to a book; they're two completely different books!

At some point people stop wanting you to talk about what you're going to do and just do it. Otherwise you live your life in a complacent state that leaves you feeling like there is a hole in the middle of you!

Realizing

Circumstances may change, people may change, but love always stays the same.

Losing yourself

In a relationship a partner may find themselves dealing with a struggle they are unaware of; loving them we take it upon ourselves to make their problem ours. Unfortunately, in the midst of trying to help someone else we often lose ourselves. How then does a person both commit to fully to oneself and another equally?

It's as if the question is a  topic for great philosophical discussion. There is no simple way to rationalize equality.The truth is when someone's hurting you feel selfish focusing on yourself and if you focus on them to much they seem to become selfish. The hardest may be the person who focuses solely on you. As you endeavor to find an answer to their problem they start to find problems you have and try to fix them. Which almost always leads to an argument because neither of you wants to discuss the underlying issue. 

What is it that makes us so afraid to talk about our feelings? The talk of the town is that television and video games are at fault for the spike in violence amongst adolescents, that television has changed so greatly and has such an influence on the youth of a generation; is it then television's fault that there is a generation of twenty somethings running around afraid of feelings. 

Seriously, look around you at how many people in relationships say they aren't in relationships. These tactfully made monogamous relationships where there is no title, but all the workings of a relationship. Then they just call it quits to try something with someone new and when that doesn't work out they run back to one another. (IF YOU DON'T KNOW ANYONE LIKE THIS YOU ARE LUCKY) It seems like everybody is afraid to make an emotional attachment, as if it were the apocalypse.

DENIAL! 

These are people who look in the mirror and want to conquer the world. They put 110% into everything they do, except being emotionally invested. I'm not an investment guru, but love is like the stock market and if you don't invest you never see a return. 

Honestly, women who sit their and talk about getting married and having kids, but will allow themselves to be used by a man on his accordance just go fly a kite in traffic. Mr. Right isn't the guy who's calling you to come over at midnight after you've hung separately all night, ALL THE TIME; and if you think he could be different than change your situation. He doesn't want to try to change it (even if it fails once or twice) then tell him to hit the road, because trust the sex will be better somewhere else. 

This is part of the reason that people aren't getting emotionally invested when the right person does come along. They have either A) burned themselves out spilling their emotions up and down the wrong road or B) have become so accustomed to going with the flow they don't know how to invest. Either way it's a problem!

Dear SEXES

SO! I've found that in general men need to be liked. Now I'm no psychologist but seriously have you ever met a man that is okay with being disliked? Bet you can't think of one and if they say they don't care believe me they are lying. For some reason men are programmed with an innate necessity to be loved by everyone. Ever notice when they do something wrong they don't just admit to it; they have to make you see it their way, and when all else fails to make you see their point of view they agree that you're right and apologize, saying they were wrong. 

NO! REALLY?!! 

Now if you've just met a man he more than likely won't care (not because he doesn't care if people like him, but because your opinion doesn't matter. You haven't established yourself as a valid necessity in his life.), but if he's invested time into you and a relationship, even if he's cheating, he will not be able to have you mad at him.

 This is also true about mothers and sons. They have a strong relationship whether he's a momma's boy or not and her will always run to his mother's side. The worst women (mothers, girlfriends, wives) are the ones who manipulate men. They recognize this innate weakness men have and they manipulate it.

If you have ever really been mad at a  man; I mean mad to the point where their apology does nothing to ease the pain and feels more like salt being thrown on the wounds, you'll see them start to do these little things to try to make everything better, to make you not mad. First. they try to give you a kiss on the lips. If you deny the kiss they will try to kiss you anywhere (forehead, hand, shoulder). Second, they will ask if you need anything and they will do anything within reason (massage, cook, run to the store). If you give them a reason to run out quickly believe me they are calling their best friend and are making a game plan. The best friend game plan is to: a) ask their opinion on how to fix the problem, b) ask them to call them so they can ignore the call, showing you how much you mean to them, and c) have them call or text a second time. The importance of the second time is this; if you haven't forgiven them by the second call they make an excuse to go see their friend and if you have forgiven them to show you that you're more important than their friends. 

WOMEN, men in fact do not do these things purposefully. They don't care to really sit there and think of master plans on how to manipulate us and situations (they would rather use that brain power to make money) it really just comes accidentally and naturally to them. 

As a woman it is your job to do what comes accidentally and naturally to you; BE AWARE. What do you think women's intuition is? Well here is the answer! Women have an ability to be aware of so many things at once and not even realize it so we call it women's intuition, when really it's the power of perception. 

Women pick and choose your battles. Think of your long term goal for the relationship and I mean really think of it before you say "there's the door go", because if you stop being aware of your partners feelings you will in fact push them away. 

When you push men away you make them emotionally unavailable for the next woman. So do not under any circumstances manipulate men, their feelings, or the moments you have with them. Because if you do, KARMA is real, you will be manipulated when your heart matters the most.

Once in a while

Maybe it's a girl thing, but do you ever just want the person you're dating to randomly say "I love you"?

Now I don't mean for the first time, but after dating for a while it seems like those three words only come into play when one of you is leaving or when you're getting off the phone.

Maybe it's just insecurities but random I love you's and thank you's go far.

Johnny Depp

So I sat down today and decided to just have a Johnny Depp movie marathon. I have found that his movies all have this coy underlying tone; making me realize that actors, much like writers, have a voice they want to portray. Which led me to a knew thought; what's my voice?

Like any person who loves to write I want to write the next great American novel. But, what would it be about? There doesn't seem to be a complete thought of what I could write that would set my book apart from those already written. Having studied literature for so many years I have an appreciation for the old styles. There's something about a good satire that warms the soul.

On that thought it came to me! The only way to write a great novel is to just write; unbiased by the thoughts of others and not caring about them. With my new found prolific thought in process I have decided to go to the drawing board.

Here's to my first day of many to come!

I love you; I hate your BFF

Why is it that when you get into a relationship it seems as though you end up in a relationship with the best friend as well?

The worst thing in the world is being with someone who puts all their efforts into their best friend, especially when that best friend does nothing in return for them. Now there are those friends who financially mooch, but are actual good people and are there for someone good or bad times. But, the friend that is the topic of this rant today is not.

Ask that person you're dating; "When was the LAST time you were going through something and they were really there for you?", there response usually dates somewhere back to childhood when they broke up with their first love or their parents got divorced. Here's what I have to say FLY A KITE IN TRAFFIC, you are holding someone in such high regards because of actions a decade ago. Why don't you try putting two and two together of what they aren't doing for you now and what you're doing for them.

So here's a toast to you, the BFF who can't stand up to the actual meaning of being a friend.

Questioning

Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned!

Cheaters

Cheaters never prosper; or do they?

I think it's safe to say that cheaters do prosper. They carry on a relationship with someone else and lie about it, and if they get caught in the lie they have something to fall back on and if they don't get caught well then they get to live the best of both worlds. 

Now I'm not saying cheating is acceptable, or right by any means and I think a person caught cheating should be punished, but it seems that the person cheated on always seems to be the only one hurting when the cheating happens. 

And why do people blame themselves? Dude, wake up and smell the coffee; it's not your fault you were cheated on, there may have been signs you overlooked, but it's not your fault that cheating actually happened. 

The cheater is at fault, the cheater is always at fault. Whether it be their insecurities or fears that led them astray it's their fault for actually going through with cheating. 

Now, the question is how do you keep a cheater from cheating? And the answer is simple; you don't. If a man met you when he had a girlfriend the likelihood of him meeting a girl and striking a conversation they way he did with you is pretty high. I mean if you're comfortable enough to do something once, why not do it again. But of course you can never express the insecurities you have to them because guess what; you showing insecurities -> makes them insecure -> making them want to cheat. 

It's all cycle babble honestly. 

No, that wasn't a typo I don't mean psycho as in pertaining to the mind and studies, I literally mean cycle; as in the process of cheating (and yes it is a process) is a cycle and cheaters are people who don't know how to break cycles.

That means that if they aren't happy with an aspect of their life they won't change it. They'll continue going through the motions until they have someone or something they consider stable, in which case then they'll move onto that relationship. Their only problem is they don't realize there as done with their new relationship as they were their old one. 

CYCLES!

The moments

There is a time in life when your age starts to put things in perspective for you, and the world you live in becomes small.

You stop thinking of everything as a means to an end and start realizing you're your own means to an end.

No matter what anyone says to you, thinks of you, or wants from you, you control the world around you, the world that in fact does revolve around you and you do control.

People will always have something to say about you and you can't control how they feel, but you can control how you act and how you allow them to make you feel.

Truth is though if you let others control the way you feel, especially about yourself, you've given up hope on yourself. You've allowed them to bring out a side of you that shouldn't be allowed to exist.

Love yourself or no one else will!

Sins of the Past

So here's the big question should a person be held accountable for the sins of their past?

Sometimes we play with our own emotions, pushing things into the back of our own mind, not holding them up to a standard they should be held to, and then when we get everything we wanted and worked so hard for we find out that those things we pushed to the back of our mind are still there and that they have festered into a putrid disdain.

How then do you blame the person who you let things slide for? Is it in fact even their fault?

So then you begin to blame yourself because your the one who tried to pretend like things didn't bother you when they were actually eating you up inside. If you bring up your issues they look at you as if a new head sprouted from your shoulder, and the feelings just eat you up inside.

There never seems to be an easy way of expressing your feelings without someone getting defensive, but the truth is that sometimes people need to shut up and listen to the rant. Stop feeling like you're being attacked and realize that the person ranting just has feelings they need to get out; they don't necessarily need an immediate response they just want you to know how they feel.

Leadership

What is the definition of a good leader? a person who has commanding authority or influence? 

So basically a leader is placed in a position of having power but with no true guidelines on how they should act or treat others. Now it may be thought that most systems that contain a leadership role/position hold those attempting to attain the position to certain standards, but what happens when an institution sets its standards to a strict monetary standard?

It can be overwhelming to be placed in a leadership role, especially when the role is attained on a monetary performance base and on nothing to do with ones people skills. It is upon an event like this where those who are good at making money and those who are good at dealing with people should be separated into two groups. 

Someone who is a people person may not be able to develop a business financially, but their recruiting skills are undeniably a necessary factor in building and establishing work environments. 

This is a moment when the managing authoritative figure must learn to balance acclamations between the two different types of leaders within the office. A failure to identify the different attributes and give praise to one over the other will end with a significant amount of the personalities not being praised leaving the office unbalanced.

If

If I could have one wish
 I'd take it back; it all
 to stop this pain from rising
 to not watch us fall.


To have you in my arms
 I'd hold on tight;
 I had to let you go I 
 had to do what's right


Now that I'm alone I 
 cry at Night. I've lost your 
 gentle touch; the sweet sound 
 of your voice.


If I could have one wish 
 I'd take it back; it all
 to stop this pain from rising 
 to not watch us fall.


My heart sings your name
 can you hear its call
 there's no one to blame 
 it was just the end of the road


I think of all the moments
 there's no sadness, no  tears
 except for in that moment
 when goodbye rang in our ears.


If I could have one wish 
 I'd take it back; it all
 to stop this pain from rising 
 to not watch us fall.


Solemnly I swear my 
 love for you was true
 for if it wasn't I wouldn't 
 do what I have to do.


The only hope I have 
 is for happiness your way.
 That you may feel a gentle touch
 that brightens up your day.


If I could have one wish
 I'd take it back; it all 
 to stop this pain from rising
 to not watch us fall.

True Love/Finding the Words

True love is when you would take any journey with the person you love just to lighten their load; it's also knowing when to leave them on the journey alone because you are not helping to lighten the load.

Finding The Words

 If I could turn back time I would
    Would wait for the moment
        The moment to be with you without fear to control us.
      
   Us; the first time I thought of it seemed surreal
       Surreal is this moment now without you
           You are the best thing to ever happen to me.

Me, is not the reason I am doing this
     This is so you can be a better you
            You are what matters most.

Reality

Starting to feel as though no matter how much effort is put in the end result is always the same. Some people hold on to the past so emphatically they lose sight of what matters; the future. It's a sad day when the inability to turn away from someone who meant so much to you in the past could mean the loss of someone who means so much to you in the present. 

As much as ultimatums are not fancied when a balance can not be reached there is no other choice. The sentiment is that in order to have one relationship another must suffer, and while it is true one must be an adult and decide which of the two is worth suffering more. If you can not lie to the one you are with and you see you are hurting them, what is the point of holding on to someone you find yourself unable to be honest with? 

Some speak of trust as if it is something given in passing, when in fact it is something that is earned and it isn't nor should it be earned easily. The hardest part of being in love is the desire to want to commit ever part of your being to believing that because you do no wrong so must your other half, when the reality is that rationalizations are the only proof, but how then do you find a way to rationalize an emotion. Perhaps to some a person in this instance would seem crazy and to another it would be understandable, but is it not in fact crazy to want proof because of inept insecurities that present themselves at the most horrid of times. 

And what is with the fear that emanates from everything being positive one's life? You spend your whole life wanting to be in love with someone who just makes you smile and laugh uncontrollably for no reason at all, a person who can just rest their hand on your back and make you feel safe, and the minute you find someone who embodies these qualities you want to run to the hills, because of the lack of sense of worth. 

The reality is that reality sucks!

Trying

How do you get over something you don't want to get over at all? It's a relentless question that haunts the uncertain mind at all times of the day. There come times in a relationship when timing and readiness are a strong factor in the progression or regression of it; and it is in those moments where you have to struggle with the idea of letting love go. 

It is as if you have to murder your love. That is to take a leap of faith in the opposite direction; making yourself unhappy and hurting someone in order to keep a sane mental state. So how do you kill love?

Everyone searches for love. Searches to find that someone who completes their thoughts. The person that knows their response to a question before it's even asked. The person who makes them feel smart and safe. The person they want to fall asleep next to every night and the only thing better than falling asleep in their arms is waking up in them.

It's a funny thing though when you find that and no matter how right or how good it feels you can't have it completely because someone in the relationship gets scared and starts to hold back. FEAR that's what's funny about relationships. The fear of relying on someone, wanting them there; being dependent on the emotions of another. Doing everything in your power to make them happy can actually make you neurotic. 

But, what is it that you can do to just let them go? How do you stop yourself from that need to fall asleep and wake up next to them? How do you just let them go?