Monday, October 29, 2012

Falling down

The wind is starting to howl and it seems like a whole lot of nothing is happening. But, the world seems to be falling upon itself. As everyone sees the coming of December they also see the coming of the end of the world. There has become a need to know the driving force behind living.

Here's an idea. Let's all stop worrying about what might happen and worry about what we aren't making happen. The world could end right now and I would rather die knowing I have no regrets than to live wondering what I could do and do nothing at all.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

ramblings of a moonstruck mind

There is a time for love and a time to let go. The problem arises though when a person isn't ready to let go of love. Seriously, at what point is it okay to scream from the rooftop I'm done and then just go right back to the same old bullshit of everyday life? 

There is a part of me that hopes that the person who this topic is about actually, for once, reads what means something to me. Because I have no balls to tell him to his face how sick of his shit I am. 

Growing up I never thought I would be what I have always considered a sucker! But, after devoting myself to a relationship in which I've dealt with so much bullshit and still allowing him to come back there are only two options for what I am, a sucker and/or desperate. 

I don't know if I'm afraid to love or maybe I'm afraid no one else will ever love me. But, how can I really define the way I'm treated as love? I'm not even grasping the idea of love as this whole til death do us part moment or some fairytale happily ever after, but I can't shake the feeling that I will never be me again if I'm with someone else. 

Is that not the strangest thing ever. I've been me my whole life and all of sudden we break up and now I feel like the person I've been for decades can never exist again. I want to reinvent myself completely! Why do I feel like I shouldn't be me? 

I don't want to watch football or clean, I don't want anything but to cry all the time and hate myself for this relationship not working. I keep telling myself that we won't ever be together, but then I allow you into my home and my bed once again and again and again. What is wrong with me? 

The phone rings and it's your ringtone I jump and run to the phone and for what for someone who wants me to be there at their beck and call, but never does the same for me. You say there was no trust in our relationship,but you were the one who caused there to be no trust. From the beginning you hid me from people in your life. Funny though how until I go and fins someone else and don't say anything to you then you come crawling back and all of a sudden you have trust issues. 

Every part of our relationship was a secret on your part! That's not even an exaggeration!!! Then you have the audacity to move into my home and move out three months later; telling me that you need to work on yourself, but you have hope. 

Your bullshit line of hope is what has had me holding on for no real reason other than you can say to me what you want and have me jump at your commands! I'm sick of your mind games. Guess you wanted to put so much into being with someone who never really cared about you that you forgot to recognize real support,love,motivation, and oh did I mention unconditional love.

Monday, October 1, 2012


How do you not blame someone?

It may seem strange to say but when a breakup happens it always seems there is someone at fault. The natural feeling is to either hate your ex partner or yourself, but why does it have to be anyone persons fault? Could it be the fault of both? Could it be no ones fault? If it's no ones fault then how did everything come unravelled in the first place and if it's the fault of both then how did it last past a day and  how does one person ruin it so badly that it doesn't fit anymore?

What happens to the puzzle when the piece no longer fits? Is that it, here's a bump in the road time to call it quits keep it moving?

What if you don't want to keep it moving? What if you've tried to keep it moving so many times before and always ended up right back in the relationship, why wouldn't you just let it go?

Letting go is the such a difficult concept! At some point you just have to pretend you don't care and maybe if you're lucky, you'll lie to yourself so much you'll actually start to believe it isn't anyone's fault, you don't care, and you are over it.