Life Changes

Since my last post a lot has changed in my life.

I sit on my couch and realize I have accomplished my main goals in life. I found  a job I'm amazing at and I haven't allowed it to consume me, fallen in love with a man who loves me in sweatpants and no makeup, and I've changed the world by having two wonderful children! 

Many have probably never thought of having children as a huge accomplisment, but as I sat one day watching my newborns sleep I came to the realization that they are the future. Thus, if they are the future of this world I just changed the future by having them. It is truly a wonderful feeling to know that you have a greater hand in the future than just what you achieve during your lifetime. 

Now I don't mean to believe that one of my children will be the next president of the United States (although we all hope), but that I will raise them to feed the homeless, believe in faith (hoping they believe in God as well), and putting 110% of themselves in everything they do. 

I can't wait to see how they grow.

Happy

Life is going well for a woman who never thought she could have it all!

Realizing

When everything in you decides to put what you want to do on the back burner because someone needs you that's when you know it's love...

Every Day

I fall asleep with a smile on my face still feeling like it's all a dream

I wake up and there you are looking back at me

I opened my heart unintentionally and in you came 

I never thought I would find someone to compliment me

I always believed in another half through a doppelgänger theory

I wake up every day glad that I'm with you!

Crazy Days

So for once I finally realized that all the hurt and pain I've allowed to fill me were worth the battle. 

Someone once said to me "things like this I don't think are fate, there's a higher being at work... JC" I finally agree with that. Patience is a virtue some say you can't learn it, but I wish to disagree because you can learn to let certain things not consume and in turn you learn to be patient with yourself. 

Writing has always been my outlet for anger and sadness and it has calmed my soul, but now it's time I use it to rejoice in my happiness...

Sometimes the road is one we never knew was available to us and when it does we find the road blocks are small an easy to move! 

I'm happy to be going down this road!!!

Secrets within

Last night I gave up a piece of myself and I don't know how you took what I said... You haven't really said anything to me except that you want to make your decision sooner rather than later, but I'm scared that means it'll be sooner to no longer having you in my life...

Stick by yourself

The nonsense of life will always creep into your happy place, the battle is remembering why you were happy in the first place. Going back in your decisions will only make you feel weak. Stick by yourself, because until you know how to make yourself happy you will never be able to make anyone else happy.

The fork in the road merges ;)

It's funny how when you take the hard road you find exactly what you want!

Maybe I've been the type of person to never like things to come easily, but I'm quite enjoying the ride I'm on in my life right now. 

So here's to making new memories at all costs!!!

First contact

You said you miss me more than you thought you would and even though it felt good to know my fear crept up and filled my soul. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I never will, but I know how afraid I am that I will never be the one who you call home. 

I keep playing it over and over in my head that it's not a big deal, preparing myself for the future, not knowing if you'll stay or go. 

So here's day 2/9... Let's see what the next week brings!

The random things that makes the heart skip a beat

I said you picked me and you said for me to come into your life it must be the doing of jc because for someone to come in and make an impact like I have you couldn't of picked me it must've come from a higher being...

Let's see what time brings...

The Turning Point

I woke up one day and unbeknownst to me that night would bring quite a change to my life. 

It began normal as any other; struggling with the ideas of what work could entail, dragging myself out of bed after six alarms, jumping in the shower, getting dressed and driving to work; all the while attempting to hold back tears as all I could focus on was the fact that I believed I was made to be alone and could never be loved. 

I walked into work with my happy face on and continued to revel in the idea that I was a bitch and that I should not deviate from allowing the world to view me as one. 

Work was a full right hours of the usual nonsense, but that night the need to be evil dwelled inside me and I needed to convince myself that I could support this way of life permanently. The end of the night came and I set my mind to drinking, a task I accomplished quite well. I'm not sure who was there with me except for one man. Everyone else was irrelevant if they did go out that night.

We sat in the parking lot and I was on a mission to have the world see me as this bitch with no emotions. I had been on a week long streak of being this other person who found joy in the pain of others and I knew if I could get this one person to see me this way everyone would follow suit. 

By no surprise he didn't agree to my thought process, but he shook my world when he refused to let me continue to believe that who I was trying to be was who I am. 

I've had people disagree with me before, but never have I had someone look at me and see everything I've always felt the world has overlooked of me. My heart skipped so many beats that night it could've quite possibly stopped. 

That night changed me for better or worse. It led me into situations I never thought I'd be, positions I never wanted to be, and brought me feelings I never felt before.

The Process

You wake up one morning breathing hard from the dream you felt so real and the realization isn't that it was just a dream, but that your mind is telling you its secrets. You worry that someone might see what you know to be true deep inside. You can't help but think that somehow you need to scream out I'm not ok.... Truth is though it's harder to pretend you're ok than to admit you're not; admitting something is wrong however means you will have to deal with it.

Dealing with the pain and confusion of life that takes time; and time is something most don't want to give up. But, committing time to fixing a problem makes living a lot easier.

Time to step up and say .....


I'm not ok!

Rock hard

As time Goes on and I become older I find that what mattered in life has not only changed, but the world is much smaller than it seems. I'm finding that high school is not so far from the real world and the unfortunate reality of that and realizing how much I hated hi school is quite interesting.

A lot to learn!

So sick

I'm sick of this feeling of being incomplete!

How is it that we allow someone into our life and when they walk out of it they seem to take a part of us with them?

I would just like to say I'm sick of all the people who are sitting there saying to me "only you can change the way you feel". Um no f*** face, pain is pain and you can't just make it go away. Let me break your arm and in a few months once the cast is off and you're trying to rehab your arm tell you "only you can change the way you feel". Guess what mind over matter my ass! Your arm is going to hurt as it relearns how to be used properly.

Guess what that's what the heart and mind go through after a serious relationship is seriously over. You put them in a cast for a little while and then you realize it's time to take the cast off and teach them how to go out and think and love all over again.

And that hurts more than you could ever imagine! There is nothing more difficult than trying to learn to re love. As stupid as it sounds it's the truth. Go out and everything seems fine and then something happens and you want to call that person who was your number one for so long and you can't.

Or you're out having fun and just hanging out and all of sudden someone finds you attractive and your first reaction is to say no, because you're so accustomed to saying no and then you feel like you're saying no because you're thinking of your ex, so you say yes and then you don't know why you said yes because you don't really think you're interested, but you don't know.

Honestly, what is it about break ups that makes moving forward with your life so difficult? It's as if you forget how to be a normal functioning human.

Ahhhhhh! WTF!

Clearly the only thing I can scream, because curse words really have no meaning and give no explanation and since I don't understand what or why I feel the way I do all I can do is cry and scream obscene things from the top of my lungs. Which is causing me to lose my voice and my dog to bark.

I wish on everything I could find a way around this feeling. At the end of the day, it feels so unnecessary and I want nothing more than to rip my own hair out! Let me just run around doing things I'm supposed to do as opposed to things I want to do!

But then again I don't know what I want to do either.

Falling down

The wind is starting to howl and it seems like a whole lot of nothing is happening. But, the world seems to be falling upon itself. As everyone sees the coming of December they also see the coming of the end of the world. There has become a need to know the driving force behind living.

Here's an idea. Let's all stop worrying about what might happen and worry about what we aren't making happen. The world could end right now and I would rather die knowing I have no regrets than to live wondering what I could do and do nothing at all.

ramblings of a moonstruck mind

There is a time for love and a time to let go. The problem arises though when a person isn't ready to let go of love. Seriously, at what point is it okay to scream from the rooftop I'm done and then just go right back to the same old bullshit of everyday life? 

There is a part of me that hopes that the person who this topic is about actually, for once, reads what means something to me. Because I have no balls to tell him to his face how sick of his shit I am. 

Growing up I never thought I would be what I have always considered a sucker! But, after devoting myself to a relationship in which I've dealt with so much bullshit and still allowing him to come back there are only two options for what I am, a sucker and/or desperate. 

I don't know if I'm afraid to love or maybe I'm afraid no one else will ever love me. But, how can I really define the way I'm treated as love? I'm not even grasping the idea of love as this whole til death do us part moment or some fairytale happily ever after, but I can't shake the feeling that I will never be me again if I'm with someone else. 

Is that not the strangest thing ever. I've been me my whole life and all of sudden we break up and now I feel like the person I've been for decades can never exist again. I want to reinvent myself completely! Why do I feel like I shouldn't be me? 

I don't want to watch football or clean, I don't want anything but to cry all the time and hate myself for this relationship not working. I keep telling myself that we won't ever be together, but then I allow you into my home and my bed once again and again and again. What is wrong with me? 

The phone rings and it's your ringtone I jump and run to the phone and for what for someone who wants me to be there at their beck and call, but never does the same for me. You say there was no trust in our relationship,but you were the one who caused there to be no trust. From the beginning you hid me from people in your life. Funny though how until I go and fins someone else and don't say anything to you then you come crawling back and all of a sudden you have trust issues. 

Every part of our relationship was a secret on your part! That's not even an exaggeration!!! Then you have the audacity to move into my home and move out three months later; telling me that you need to work on yourself, but you have hope. 

Your bullshit line of hope is what has had me holding on for no real reason other than you can say to me what you want and have me jump at your commands! I'm sick of your mind games. Guess you wanted to put so much into being with someone who never really cared about you that you forgot to recognize real support,love,motivation, and oh did I mention unconditional love.

Faults

How do you not blame someone?

It may seem strange to say but when a breakup happens it always seems there is someone at fault. The natural feeling is to either hate your ex partner or yourself, but why does it have to be anyone persons fault? Could it be the fault of both? Could it be no ones fault? If it's no ones fault then how did everything come unravelled in the first place and if it's the fault of both then how did it last past a day and  how does one person ruin it so badly that it doesn't fit anymore?

What happens to the puzzle when the piece no longer fits? Is that it, here's a bump in the road time to call it quits keep it moving?

What if you don't want to keep it moving? What if you've tried to keep it moving so many times before and always ended up right back in the relationship, why wouldn't you just let it go?

Letting go is the such a difficult concept! At some point you just have to pretend you don't care and maybe if you're lucky, you'll lie to yourself so much you'll actually start to believe it isn't anyone's fault, you don't care, and you are over it.

Do Something!!!

At some point you have to just learn to let go. I don't mean to just turn the other cheek when someone wrongs you, but to actually let shit go. Relationships that end aren't meant to be picked up at a later date and time, if you aren't willing to work on something in the present then you will never be willing to work on it. The truth is there's a big difference between saying and doing! Saying you want to make a change about yourself and actually working on making that change aren't two parts to a book; they're two completely different books!

At some point people stop wanting you to talk about what you're going to do and just do it. Otherwise you live your life in a complacent state that leaves you feeling like there is a hole in the middle of you!

Realizing

Circumstances may change, people may change, but love always stays the same.

Losing yourself

In a relationship a partner may find themselves dealing with a struggle they are unaware of; loving them we take it upon ourselves to make their problem ours. Unfortunately, in the midst of trying to help someone else we often lose ourselves. How then does a person both commit to fully to oneself and another equally?

It's as if the question is a  topic for great philosophical discussion. There is no simple way to rationalize equality.The truth is when someone's hurting you feel selfish focusing on yourself and if you focus on them to much they seem to become selfish. The hardest may be the person who focuses solely on you. As you endeavor to find an answer to their problem they start to find problems you have and try to fix them. Which almost always leads to an argument because neither of you wants to discuss the underlying issue. 

What is it that makes us so afraid to talk about our feelings? The talk of the town is that television and video games are at fault for the spike in violence amongst adolescents, that television has changed so greatly and has such an influence on the youth of a generation; is it then television's fault that there is a generation of twenty somethings running around afraid of feelings. 

Seriously, look around you at how many people in relationships say they aren't in relationships. These tactfully made monogamous relationships where there is no title, but all the workings of a relationship. Then they just call it quits to try something with someone new and when that doesn't work out they run back to one another. (IF YOU DON'T KNOW ANYONE LIKE THIS YOU ARE LUCKY) It seems like everybody is afraid to make an emotional attachment, as if it were the apocalypse.

DENIAL! 

These are people who look in the mirror and want to conquer the world. They put 110% into everything they do, except being emotionally invested. I'm not an investment guru, but love is like the stock market and if you don't invest you never see a return. 

Honestly, women who sit their and talk about getting married and having kids, but will allow themselves to be used by a man on his accordance just go fly a kite in traffic. Mr. Right isn't the guy who's calling you to come over at midnight after you've hung separately all night, ALL THE TIME; and if you think he could be different than change your situation. He doesn't want to try to change it (even if it fails once or twice) then tell him to hit the road, because trust the sex will be better somewhere else. 

This is part of the reason that people aren't getting emotionally invested when the right person does come along. They have either A) burned themselves out spilling their emotions up and down the wrong road or B) have become so accustomed to going with the flow they don't know how to invest. Either way it's a problem!