Happy

Life is going well for a woman who never thought she could have it all!

Realizing

When everything in you decides to put what you want to do on the back burner because someone needs you that's when you know it's love...

Every Day

I fall asleep with a smile on my face still feeling like it's all a dream

I wake up and there you are looking back at me

I opened my heart unintentionally and in you came 

I never thought I would find someone to compliment me

I always believed in another half through a doppelgänger theory

I wake up every day glad that I'm with you!

Crazy Days

So for once I finally realized that all the hurt and pain I've allowed to fill me were worth the battle. 

Someone once said to me "things like this I don't think are fate, there's a higher being at work... JC" I finally agree with that. Patience is a virtue some say you can't learn it, but I wish to disagree because you can learn to let certain things not consume and in turn you learn to be patient with yourself. 

Writing has always been my outlet for anger and sadness and it has calmed my soul, but now it's time I use it to rejoice in my happiness...

Sometimes the road is one we never knew was available to us and when it does we find the road blocks are small an easy to move! 

I'm happy to be going down this road!!!

Secrets within

Last night I gave up a piece of myself and I don't know how you took what I said... You haven't really said anything to me except that you want to make your decision sooner rather than later, but I'm scared that means it'll be sooner to no longer having you in my life...

Stick by yourself

The nonsense of life will always creep into your happy place, the battle is remembering why you were happy in the first place. Going back in your decisions will only make you feel weak. Stick by yourself, because until you know how to make yourself happy you will never be able to make anyone else happy.

The fork in the road merges ;)

It's funny how when you take the hard road you find exactly what you want!

Maybe I've been the type of person to never like things to come easily, but I'm quite enjoying the ride I'm on in my life right now. 

So here's to making new memories at all costs!!!

First contact

You said you miss me more than you thought you would and even though it felt good to know my fear crept up and filled my soul. I don't know what tomorrow brings and I never will, but I know how afraid I am that I will never be the one who you call home. 

I keep playing it over and over in my head that it's not a big deal, preparing myself for the future, not knowing if you'll stay or go. 

So here's day 2/9... Let's see what the next week brings!

The random things that makes the heart skip a beat

I said you picked me and you said for me to come into your life it must be the doing of jc because for someone to come in and make an impact like I have you couldn't of picked me it must've come from a higher being...

Let's see what time brings...

The Turning Point

I woke up one day and unbeknownst to me that night would bring quite a change to my life. 

It began normal as any other; struggling with the ideas of what work could entail, dragging myself out of bed after six alarms, jumping in the shower, getting dressed and driving to work; all the while attempting to hold back tears as all I could focus on was the fact that I believed I was made to be alone and could never be loved. 

I walked into work with my happy face on and continued to revel in the idea that I was a bitch and that I should not deviate from allowing the world to view me as one. 

Work was a full right hours of the usual nonsense, but that night the need to be evil dwelled inside me and I needed to convince myself that I could support this way of life permanently. The end of the night came and I set my mind to drinking, a task I accomplished quite well. I'm not sure who was there with me except for one man. Everyone else was irrelevant if they did go out that night.

We sat in the parking lot and I was on a mission to have the world see me as this bitch with no emotions. I had been on a week long streak of being this other person who found joy in the pain of others and I knew if I could get this one person to see me this way everyone would follow suit. 

By no surprise he didn't agree to my thought process, but he shook my world when he refused to let me continue to believe that who I was trying to be was who I am. 

I've had people disagree with me before, but never have I had someone look at me and see everything I've always felt the world has overlooked of me. My heart skipped so many beats that night it could've quite possibly stopped. 

That night changed me for better or worse. It led me into situations I never thought I'd be, positions I never wanted to be, and brought me feelings I never felt before.

The Process

You wake up one morning breathing hard from the dream you felt so real and the realization isn't that it was just a dream, but that your mind is telling you its secrets. You worry that someone might see what you know to be true deep inside. You can't help but think that somehow you need to scream out I'm not ok.... Truth is though it's harder to pretend you're ok than to admit you're not; admitting something is wrong however means you will have to deal with it.

Dealing with the pain and confusion of life that takes time; and time is something most don't want to give up. But, committing time to fixing a problem makes living a lot easier.

Time to step up and say .....


I'm not ok!

Rock hard

As time Goes on and I become older I find that what mattered in life has not only changed, but the world is much smaller than it seems. I'm finding that high school is not so far from the real world and the unfortunate reality of that and realizing how much I hated hi school is quite interesting.

A lot to learn!

So sick

I'm sick of this feeling of being incomplete!

How is it that we allow someone into our life and when they walk out of it they seem to take a part of us with them?

I would just like to say I'm sick of all the people who are sitting there saying to me "only you can change the way you feel". Um no f*** face, pain is pain and you can't just make it go away. Let me break your arm and in a few months once the cast is off and you're trying to rehab your arm tell you "only you can change the way you feel". Guess what mind over matter my ass! Your arm is going to hurt as it relearns how to be used properly.

Guess what that's what the heart and mind go through after a serious relationship is seriously over. You put them in a cast for a little while and then you realize it's time to take the cast off and teach them how to go out and think and love all over again.

And that hurts more than you could ever imagine! There is nothing more difficult than trying to learn to re love. As stupid as it sounds it's the truth. Go out and everything seems fine and then something happens and you want to call that person who was your number one for so long and you can't.

Or you're out having fun and just hanging out and all of sudden someone finds you attractive and your first reaction is to say no, because you're so accustomed to saying no and then you feel like you're saying no because you're thinking of your ex, so you say yes and then you don't know why you said yes because you don't really think you're interested, but you don't know.

Honestly, what is it about break ups that makes moving forward with your life so difficult? It's as if you forget how to be a normal functioning human.

Ahhhhhh! WTF!

Clearly the only thing I can scream, because curse words really have no meaning and give no explanation and since I don't understand what or why I feel the way I do all I can do is cry and scream obscene things from the top of my lungs. Which is causing me to lose my voice and my dog to bark.

I wish on everything I could find a way around this feeling. At the end of the day, it feels so unnecessary and I want nothing more than to rip my own hair out! Let me just run around doing things I'm supposed to do as opposed to things I want to do!

But then again I don't know what I want to do either.

Falling down

The wind is starting to howl and it seems like a whole lot of nothing is happening. But, the world seems to be falling upon itself. As everyone sees the coming of December they also see the coming of the end of the world. There has become a need to know the driving force behind living.

Here's an idea. Let's all stop worrying about what might happen and worry about what we aren't making happen. The world could end right now and I would rather die knowing I have no regrets than to live wondering what I could do and do nothing at all.

ramblings of a moonstruck mind

There is a time for love and a time to let go. The problem arises though when a person isn't ready to let go of love. Seriously, at what point is it okay to scream from the rooftop I'm done and then just go right back to the same old bullshit of everyday life? 

There is a part of me that hopes that the person who this topic is about actually, for once, reads what means something to me. Because I have no balls to tell him to his face how sick of his shit I am. 

Growing up I never thought I would be what I have always considered a sucker! But, after devoting myself to a relationship in which I've dealt with so much bullshit and still allowing him to come back there are only two options for what I am, a sucker and/or desperate. 

I don't know if I'm afraid to love or maybe I'm afraid no one else will ever love me. But, how can I really define the way I'm treated as love? I'm not even grasping the idea of love as this whole til death do us part moment or some fairytale happily ever after, but I can't shake the feeling that I will never be me again if I'm with someone else. 

Is that not the strangest thing ever. I've been me my whole life and all of sudden we break up and now I feel like the person I've been for decades can never exist again. I want to reinvent myself completely! Why do I feel like I shouldn't be me? 

I don't want to watch football or clean, I don't want anything but to cry all the time and hate myself for this relationship not working. I keep telling myself that we won't ever be together, but then I allow you into my home and my bed once again and again and again. What is wrong with me? 

The phone rings and it's your ringtone I jump and run to the phone and for what for someone who wants me to be there at their beck and call, but never does the same for me. You say there was no trust in our relationship,but you were the one who caused there to be no trust. From the beginning you hid me from people in your life. Funny though how until I go and fins someone else and don't say anything to you then you come crawling back and all of a sudden you have trust issues. 

Every part of our relationship was a secret on your part! That's not even an exaggeration!!! Then you have the audacity to move into my home and move out three months later; telling me that you need to work on yourself, but you have hope. 

Your bullshit line of hope is what has had me holding on for no real reason other than you can say to me what you want and have me jump at your commands! I'm sick of your mind games. Guess you wanted to put so much into being with someone who never really cared about you that you forgot to recognize real support,love,motivation, and oh did I mention unconditional love.

Faults

How do you not blame someone?

It may seem strange to say but when a breakup happens it always seems there is someone at fault. The natural feeling is to either hate your ex partner or yourself, but why does it have to be anyone persons fault? Could it be the fault of both? Could it be no ones fault? If it's no ones fault then how did everything come unravelled in the first place and if it's the fault of both then how did it last past a day and  how does one person ruin it so badly that it doesn't fit anymore?

What happens to the puzzle when the piece no longer fits? Is that it, here's a bump in the road time to call it quits keep it moving?

What if you don't want to keep it moving? What if you've tried to keep it moving so many times before and always ended up right back in the relationship, why wouldn't you just let it go?

Letting go is the such a difficult concept! At some point you just have to pretend you don't care and maybe if you're lucky, you'll lie to yourself so much you'll actually start to believe it isn't anyone's fault, you don't care, and you are over it.

Do Something!!!

At some point you have to just learn to let go. I don't mean to just turn the other cheek when someone wrongs you, but to actually let shit go. Relationships that end aren't meant to be picked up at a later date and time, if you aren't willing to work on something in the present then you will never be willing to work on it. The truth is there's a big difference between saying and doing! Saying you want to make a change about yourself and actually working on making that change aren't two parts to a book; they're two completely different books!

At some point people stop wanting you to talk about what you're going to do and just do it. Otherwise you live your life in a complacent state that leaves you feeling like there is a hole in the middle of you!

Realizing

Circumstances may change, people may change, but love always stays the same.

Losing yourself

In a relationship a partner may find themselves dealing with a struggle they are unaware of; loving them we take it upon ourselves to make their problem ours. Unfortunately, in the midst of trying to help someone else we often lose ourselves. How then does a person both commit to fully to oneself and another equally?

It's as if the question is a  topic for great philosophical discussion. There is no simple way to rationalize equality.The truth is when someone's hurting you feel selfish focusing on yourself and if you focus on them to much they seem to become selfish. The hardest may be the person who focuses solely on you. As you endeavor to find an answer to their problem they start to find problems you have and try to fix them. Which almost always leads to an argument because neither of you wants to discuss the underlying issue. 

What is it that makes us so afraid to talk about our feelings? The talk of the town is that television and video games are at fault for the spike in violence amongst adolescents, that television has changed so greatly and has such an influence on the youth of a generation; is it then television's fault that there is a generation of twenty somethings running around afraid of feelings. 

Seriously, look around you at how many people in relationships say they aren't in relationships. These tactfully made monogamous relationships where there is no title, but all the workings of a relationship. Then they just call it quits to try something with someone new and when that doesn't work out they run back to one another. (IF YOU DON'T KNOW ANYONE LIKE THIS YOU ARE LUCKY) It seems like everybody is afraid to make an emotional attachment, as if it were the apocalypse.

DENIAL! 

These are people who look in the mirror and want to conquer the world. They put 110% into everything they do, except being emotionally invested. I'm not an investment guru, but love is like the stock market and if you don't invest you never see a return. 

Honestly, women who sit their and talk about getting married and having kids, but will allow themselves to be used by a man on his accordance just go fly a kite in traffic. Mr. Right isn't the guy who's calling you to come over at midnight after you've hung separately all night, ALL THE TIME; and if you think he could be different than change your situation. He doesn't want to try to change it (even if it fails once or twice) then tell him to hit the road, because trust the sex will be better somewhere else. 

This is part of the reason that people aren't getting emotionally invested when the right person does come along. They have either A) burned themselves out spilling their emotions up and down the wrong road or B) have become so accustomed to going with the flow they don't know how to invest. Either way it's a problem!

Dear SEXES

SO! I've found that in general men need to be liked. Now I'm no psychologist but seriously have you ever met a man that is okay with being disliked? Bet you can't think of one and if they say they don't care believe me they are lying. For some reason men are programmed with an innate necessity to be loved by everyone. Ever notice when they do something wrong they don't just admit to it; they have to make you see it their way, and when all else fails to make you see their point of view they agree that you're right and apologize, saying they were wrong. 

NO! REALLY?!! 

Now if you've just met a man he more than likely won't care (not because he doesn't care if people like him, but because your opinion doesn't matter. You haven't established yourself as a valid necessity in his life.), but if he's invested time into you and a relationship, even if he's cheating, he will not be able to have you mad at him.

 This is also true about mothers and sons. They have a strong relationship whether he's a momma's boy or not and her will always run to his mother's side. The worst women (mothers, girlfriends, wives) are the ones who manipulate men. They recognize this innate weakness men have and they manipulate it.

If you have ever really been mad at a  man; I mean mad to the point where their apology does nothing to ease the pain and feels more like salt being thrown on the wounds, you'll see them start to do these little things to try to make everything better, to make you not mad. First. they try to give you a kiss on the lips. If you deny the kiss they will try to kiss you anywhere (forehead, hand, shoulder). Second, they will ask if you need anything and they will do anything within reason (massage, cook, run to the store). If you give them a reason to run out quickly believe me they are calling their best friend and are making a game plan. The best friend game plan is to: a) ask their opinion on how to fix the problem, b) ask them to call them so they can ignore the call, showing you how much you mean to them, and c) have them call or text a second time. The importance of the second time is this; if you haven't forgiven them by the second call they make an excuse to go see their friend and if you have forgiven them to show you that you're more important than their friends. 

WOMEN, men in fact do not do these things purposefully. They don't care to really sit there and think of master plans on how to manipulate us and situations (they would rather use that brain power to make money) it really just comes accidentally and naturally to them. 

As a woman it is your job to do what comes accidentally and naturally to you; BE AWARE. What do you think women's intuition is? Well here is the answer! Women have an ability to be aware of so many things at once and not even realize it so we call it women's intuition, when really it's the power of perception. 

Women pick and choose your battles. Think of your long term goal for the relationship and I mean really think of it before you say "there's the door go", because if you stop being aware of your partners feelings you will in fact push them away. 

When you push men away you make them emotionally unavailable for the next woman. So do not under any circumstances manipulate men, their feelings, or the moments you have with them. Because if you do, KARMA is real, you will be manipulated when your heart matters the most.